I never wanted to admit it out loud, or even to myself for that matter, but I don't think my art block or loss of inspiration is something to laugh at or leave in the back of my mind anymore. I think it's gotten serious to the point where it's difficult for me to come to this site. I don't want to say I want to leave dA forever because that's not what I'm trying to say. I'll be gone for a year, maybe less, maybe more. This place has held a special place in my heart for a very long time, and I don't think that'll change. I never wanted it to come to this (and by this, I mean loss of inspiration) but it looks like it has. I used to stay in denial about it, but now I've come to realize things have come to this.
I was always so hopeful and optimistic. I always thought, "Great, another hiatus . . . That's okay! I'll come back eventually and I'll plow through my inbox and To-Do List and improve on my art, yay! ^o^" But ever since junior year of high school, it was always hiatus after hiatus. I'd be active for a month, inactive for 3, active for 2 weeks, inactive again and active again. This was a repetitive cycle that I just threw around the phrase "It's okay. It can't be helped. I'll come back anyway," and I /would/ come back every time, as I thought. But ever since last year when my first year at college started, I just couldn't find time to draw anymore. I'll admit I was going through a lot, and I was exploring life more than ever before, making friends and learning new things about myself. Around the same time, I was going through a lot of health and family issues.
But I was always optimistic. I thought, "Just apologize for being gone and draw again."
So I'd do just that. But apologizing doesn't mean anything. ACTIONS mean something. If I was really sorry, then I would draw and reply to my messages. But I've noticed that drawing doesn't make me happy anymore. What happened? Didn't I use to love it? If it is my passion, then why has it become a chore for me? That is also why I feel ashamed to reply to messages here because, to be honest, I feel like people here see me as an artist and that is the only reason why they approach me because I am an artist like them; we have something in common. Even more so if we are both anime artists or both like anime. It's easy to find people whom I have things in common with on this site. But I thought if I stopped caring about drawing, then wouldn't that person not like me anymore because then it'd mean I'm not worth talking to anymore? Is me being an artist the only reason why people care about me? What if I'm not an artist anymore? What if I quit drawing? Won't that make people angry and stop liking me?
I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I just feel ashamed to talk to people now because I think I lost my motivation for drawing a long time ago. Maybe I'm not like the people on this site who really like to draw and always improve and improve and are so kind to others and so extroverted, unlike me.
Looking at what I just said in the above 2 paragraphs, in the end, I think my passion for art became a selfish thing. Maybe all I wanted was to be famous, and become a pro with thousands of watchers, fans, and friends. I hate admitting this since it makes me sound like a shallow person, but maybe I am. If I lose a bunch of respect from people after they read this, I get it.
Maybe my passion for art became ingenuine and the only reason why I started pursuing it more than before was because it was something I thought I was decently good at and could make friends with it.
My jealousy also got the best of me and I think it also ruined my love for art. I always see young artists around 14-16 years old who can draw SOOO well and have SOOO many friends on here. It makes me so green with envy. They're so young, so talented, and so sociable. All the things I want, but have failed to achieve.
So I just wanted to say, I know people are waiting for art from me. I know there are fans of my artwork. I'm also thinking of the friends I've met here as I'm saying this . . . Drawing is something I will always love, but I'm not really serious about it anymore. I need to get that seriousness back. I don't think I'll ever open Art Trades, or reopen commissions ever again (until I regain motivation. When? Hard to say). I'll finish the commission orders I have currently, but those will be my last commissions. Why? Because . . .
I think in the end, I wasn't drawing for myself. I was just drawing for people, hoping to win acceptance and a feeling of belonging.
Wanting to feel like I was "good enough." (What does that even mean?)
I'm sorry if I've disappointed anyone, or annoyed anyone, or made anyone worried. I just hope people will understand my feelings.
I will continue to draw, but it will be a rare thing probably. If you've ordered a commission from me, feel free to ask for a refund at any time if you're not willing to be patient with me. I understand.
And please do not comment to reassure me because I am not asking for pity comments or "please come back soon" comments or anything like that because I did not write this journal to get those things. I feel like if I do get those kinds of comments, I'll end up slinking back here and making a new journal saying "Never mind about the last journal! I'll draw again!" due to my overoptimistic habits . . . but only to come back to this stage again in the future. I mean you can comment if you want to make me feel better, but just know that that was not my intention for this journal.
This lack of motivation is something I have to deal with by myself. I don't want friends or fans to reassure me and comfort me because that won't solve my problem.
[Edit: To expand more on my true feelings for leaving, please read my last update Silver-chan's Updatesss
for things I've forgotten to say in this journal.]
Thank you for reading this whole journal.
And just to make sure I'm clear, I'm really unmotivated and have been for over a year now. I need time to find my passion for drawing again. I want to also be happy drawing for myself, not drawing for others only. I want to forget popularity, jealously, and all those things and relearn what it means to truly love drawing. I will reply to messages of course, but as usual my replies will be slow (or I may not reply at all;; I'm really sorry about this, but I will only reply to ones that really need a reply). I will draw the arts I've promised people so don't worry about me forgetting because I won't ever forget. So I will draw them, but it might take months;; I also won't be uploading them to deviantART. I will link the arts privately through stash. But if you've commissioned me, feel free to ask for a refund at any time.
Thanks again;;Images (c) rightful owners (GOMENN I LAZY TO LINK THEM OTL cuz then I'd have to search my computer for them haha;; I did not draw them =v= so yeah Will replace them with my own artsu of Ao no Exorcist someday)